Reflections on Who We Are

Repairing the Ties that Bind

Wed, 05 Jun 2013 00:00:00 -0400

Before there was a Family Foundation School, there was a family devastated by alcoholism and restored by the 12 Steps of recovery. What the Steps did for them they wanted to do for others, and The Family Foundation School was born. Though our focus is on helping troubled teens, our broader commitment is to heal troubled families.

For FFS students that means family group therapy is a big part of their therapeutic boarding school experience.

Facing their parents for the first time and coming clean about what they've done, as living the Steps instructs, is difficult for these teenagers, many of whom have hidden the worst of their behavior from their parents and must now own up to it. But “the truth that sets them free” also begins their process of recovery.

Family group sessions get easier as students become more comfortable sharing their feelings honestly. “I only get two 10-minute phone calls a week with my parents,” explains one student, “so I really look forward to my family group with them. It's a chance to check in about what has been going on with me, not just what the weather has been like.”

Family groups are moderated by licensed family therapists and sessions are structured to make sure they are two-way streets—that students get to open up to their parents, and vice versa.

One student found out more about his father in his family group than he had ever known. “I never knew how much alike my dad and I are. He is an alcoholic and I'm an addict. We have similar character defects, which caused us to fight all the time.” Now he tries to stop and consider his father's feelings when they disagree, aware that they are probably not all that different from his own.

That student and his father have the 12-Step program in common too. “My dad and I both work the 12 Steps daily and my mom is in Families Anonymous.” The 12 Steps are a family affair for him, keeping the family close.

Another student says he appreciates family groups because they are helping him address the resentments and excuses he uses to justify his destructive behavior.

Healthy family relationships take work, especially with a troubled teen in the mix. Through family group therapy, these students are becoming more open with their families, more aware of their unique place and role in them, and more committed to doing their part to make them stronger and happier.

11th Step 'Happy Class'

Fri, 31 May 2013 17:00:00 -0400

One of the most surprising and welcome trends we're seeing among teenagers these days is the use of mindfulness meditation to cope with the pressures of growing up in an increasingly stressful world.

One high school student's experience with mindfulness-based stress reduction, or "Happy Class," was so profound, it became the focus of a Psychology Today story last fall.

The FFS version of "Happy Class" is guided meditation, introduced as part of our Spiritual Exploration curriculum earlier this year. It offers students another option for engaging in the 11th Step of recovery ("Sought through prayer and meditation to increase our conscious contact with God . . .") in a way that relaxes their bodies and minds and awakens them spiritually.

Students who opt for guided meditation experience conscious contact in different ways. One describes it as "forty minutes of peace in a busy day." Another says, "It's the time I need to think about doing the right thing." One boy who always had an excuse for not praying appreciates the enforced prayer time. Now he says he goes through the day with both his conscience and his head a lot clearer.

But nobody claims it's easy. Like most meditation beginners, the students have a hard time putting aside, even for forty minutes, the problems they faced before coming to class, or the ones they'll face when they leave. Slowing down their thoughts, getting out of their heads, or just calming down physically can be a challenge, especially for those who struggle with obsessive or addictive behavior, ADHD, and similar disorders.

Even Swami Sivananda, the great yoga master, admits it's difficult. "Meditation is painful in the beginning, but it bestows immortal bliss and supreme joy in the end."

Maybe that's why the teenager featured in the magazine article called it "Happy Class." She resisted the whole idea of meditation at first and entered the class reluctantly. But as she closed her eyes as she was instructed to do, and focused on her breathing, she stopped thinking about everything else. She felt relaxed and in the moment, and it was a feeling she liked. So she kept at it. The message of meditation for her eventually changed her ideas of happiness and success, and turned her life around.

One boy here is already saying the hardest part about meditation is leaving it. Others in the class talk about feeling less anxious and less angry, as well as more patient, more positive and clear-headed.

For all of them, meditation is a spiritual, 11th Step experience. When they quiet their minds, they can hear the "still, small voice" of spirit. And if they pay attention, it will tell them what they need to hear.

Recovery in Full Swing

Sat, 11 May 2013 00:00:00 -0400

Students arrive at The Family Foundation School with not only a variety of issues to deal with, but a variety of interests and talents as well. Last week we had two of our student golfers qualify to represent the school in the state tournament, a tribute to their abilities on the course and to the progress they've made off the course in their program of recovery.

Like many troubled teens, both these boys have struggled with anger, something than afflicts more than a few golfers. Complaints about the frustrations of the game go all the way back to King George V of England who supposedly said, "Golf always makes me so damned angry!"

The annals of golf are full of examples of players whose tempers have not only hampered their performance, but damaged their reputations and jeopardized their relationships with their fellow golfers. Which is why many high school golf programs, including ours, stress the sportsmanship of the game as much as the techniques of playing. After a particularly bad shot, one of our boys admitted, "I had to stay calm so I wouldn't embarrass my team."

The other told us the toughest part of the game for him is knowing that a single bad swing can cause a chain reaction. "Unless I can take a step back, physically as well as mentally, everything goes south."

He also said that what's true of his golf game is true of his life. "When I do something wrong and lie about it, or when I relapse, I need to come forward with my mistakes or things will never get better."

Golf has become important to his recovery. "Being able to escape all the problems, all the difficulties of my daily life is key to keeping my sanity. Going to the course, spending time outdoors in the fresh air allows me to clear my mind and concentrate on golf. I don't have to worry about what's happening at school or anything else."

Both boys can credit good coaching, anger management, and the program principles with getting them to tournament level play; with helping them acquire the physical skills and the emotional control they need to play their best. And when they don't, to remember There's a blessing of a lesson in every problem. "I never learned anything from a match that I won," said the great Bobby Jones.

Our boys will be great golfers in our eyes if they learn to short-circuit the negative chain reactions with some positive self-talk, if they can accept the bogeys along with the birdies, and if they can keep things in perspective, remembering that golf is a game and meant to be fun.

Give It Away to Keep It

Tue, 07 May 2013 00:00:00 -0400

A senior student here recently told a newcomer who was struggling with his temper, "You can't escape into drugs or alcohol here, so unless you like being miserable, you're going to have to find another way to deal with your anger." He suggested the school's anger management group. Then he talked about his own resistance to change. He said he had been stuck and miserable for a long time until he realized the only thing he could count on to change was himself. Once he "got it" and started working on himself, life became a lot easier.

We believe that we keep what we have by giving it away. Sharing his story with newcomers is one way this student can make sure the changes he's making are permanent.

Feeling Good About Change

Fri, 03 May 2013 00:00:00 -0400

Students at The Family Foundation School are here for one reason: to change the the attitudes and behaviors that got them into trouble and are keeping them from growing into happy and responsible adults. One student recently tested his "character education" during a visit home and was happy to report it went well. He mended some fences with his siblings, had a long talk with his father, and upheld his commitments not to smoke or call old friends.

He attributed his success to his new-found integrity, knowing he'd have to hold himself accountable for any commitments not kept. But he said his strongest motivation was not wanting to fall back into his old cycle of misbehaving and feeling miserable about it. He's learned that doing the right thing can feel pretty good and he's not about to give that up.

An Explanation, Not an Excuse

Mon, 29 Apr 2013 00:00:00 -0400

Not all troubled teens became troubled overnight. Many of the students enrolled at FFS have been diagnosed with ADHD, a condition they have dealt with since childhood. It's a condition that accounts for their struggles with learning difficulties, social problems, and impulsive behavior, struggles that have led to poor conduct, poor judgment and poor choices.

Knowing something about ADHD helps us to better understand these students, but it doesn't excuse their behavior. And while medication can control the effects of ADHD, students can help themselves by learning to pay attention, to plan ahead, and to deal effectively with their anger and frustration. They can also learn to take responsibility for their behavior, to ask for help when they need it, and to develop themselves spiritually, physically and mentally --- a good way to cope with their ADHD, and with anything else life hands them.

Relating to Mom

Fri, 26 Apr 2013 00:00:00 -0400

It takes a bit of living to realize that parents are people too, that they have struggles and triggers that set them off like anyone else. One boy here had problems with his overly controlling mother which got worse after he arrived at the school. "Now that I'm working on changing myself, she's on me for every little thing. I forgot to make my bed one morning on a visit home and she took it as a sign I was going back to drugs."

"That's not as ridiculous as you think," said his house leader. "How can she trust you in the big things if you can't be counted on to do something as minor as making your bed? It's about doing what you said you'd do." It's also about respect, acceptance and patience. For this student, a better relationship with a difficult mother could be the biggest achievement of his stay at FFS.

Sidetracked

Mon, 22 Apr 2013 00:00:00 -0400

The 12-Step life as we try to model it here includes living honestly and unselfishly with personal integrity. One students who was doing well with respect to the Steps got sidetracked when basketball season rolled around. He did well on the court, but not so well off it. He stopped going to meetings, stopped talking to his sponsor, got angry at his friends and lazy about his schoolwork. Then, when the season ended, he found himself stuck -- mentally, emotionally and academically. So he visited his sponsor. That's all it took. He resumed his Step work, went back to meetings, begin pitching in again, stopped picking fights, and has passed all his classes for three months running.

Our 12-Step dropout learned that the 12-Step life is lived day in and day out, one day at a time. When he stopped working the program, he lost ground. Thanks to some caring staff and peers, it's ground he's now gained back along with a valuable lesson.

Testing the Waters

Fri, 19 Apr 2013 00:00:00 -0400

Home visits and off-campus outings give our students an opportunity to test the waters -- to practice new behaviors and put principles they've talked about to the test in real world situations. Many students try hard while they're here to overcome a history of dishonesty, disrespect and selfishness. But a change of scene, a break in routine, or the excitement of being home even for a day can turn the idea of "what is right" into the old "what feels good."

Building character takes time, and strengthening it takes practice. That's why ours is a long-term program, and why our school calendar includes regularly scheduled trips and breaks -- a change of scene and routine that forces students to put new attitudes and behaviors to the test where it matters most: in real life.

Open to Experience

Tue, 16 Apr 2013 00:00:00 -0400

Introducing our students to the principles of the 12 Steps includes helping them experience the spiritual life at the core of them. Discovering their own higher power, the God of their understanding, is essential to recovery and the one thing many students cherish most about the their Family School experience. We believe in growing along spiritual lines and have seen a great many closed-off students become more relaxed, open, tolerant, and helpful after an hour of spiritual exploration, something that's part of their daily schedule here.