Reflections on Who We Are

Good Days, Bad Days

Fri, 03 Sep 2010 07:00:00 -0400

Many people underestimate the ability to roll with the punches, to accept the bad days along with the good. It takes patience and experience---qualities that very few troubled teens have acquired. One of the benefits of a therapeutic boarding school is a curriculum that incorporates the idea of acceptance---that helps teens realize that much of life is out of their control and always will be, and how to deal with that reality.

This idea is fundamental to the 12-Step program, which is a way of life here. One girl who struggles with depression, and who has always dealt with her "bad days" by simply shutting down, is now looking at her options. She has heard often enough that the flip side of accepting the things she cannot change is changing the things she can. She can't control waking up on the wrong side of the bed, but she can choose not to stay there. She can choose to save the day with one small step, doing one right thing, and allowing it to lead to another. She is learning the paradox of acceptance---that it is a conscious process, and one she can indeed control.

The Whole Truth

Wed, 01 Sep 2010 07:00:00 -0400

Very few troubled teens enrolled in a therapeutic boarding school have an easy time being honest. Even those who pride themselves in not telling lies (and there are several of them) don't always recognize lies of omission. We believe that healing starts with telling the truth---the whole truth---a level of honesty that defines character and integrity. Recently a struggling teen girl, who has improved her behavior and her honesty since arriving a year ago, was caught passing notes with a boy in violation of school rules. In effect, a dishonesty. Her lapse isn't unusual, and she has since gotten back on track. When she received another note from the boy, she promptly turmed it over to staff. "But did you read it first?" asked one of her peers. She had. It hadn't occurred to her not to. In the discussion that ensued, she became aware of a new level of honesty that can bring her real healing.

Gratitude Lists

Fri, 27 Aug 2010 07:00:00 -0400

Dealing effectively with teen depression is one of the ongoing challenges of a therapeutic boarding school. While individual counseling can help students understand the causes of their depression and offer ways to get beyond it, friends who can relate are just as important. One teen girl who struggles with depression was recently encouraged to keep a gratitude list as a way of overcoming the negativity and helplessness she sometimes feels. Recording even the smallest events and observations helps. Passing a test. A letter from home. Beautiful weather. An unexpected compliment. Nothing is insignificant when it comes to counting your blessings, she was told. Everyone has problems and crosses to bear. They are a real part of life, but they're not the only part. "Focus on some small good thing and you'll be amazed how much better you'll feel," one boy told her. "Life is what you make it."

The school agrees. Keeping and sharing a gratitude list is both healing and uplifting, and developing an attitude of gratitude is one of the keys to real happiness.

Sabotage

Wed, 25 Aug 2010 07:00:00 -0400

A fifteen-year-old troubled teen girl has struggled with anger and depression since she was a youngster. Adopted as a toddler, her adoptive parents separated when she was eight, which only added to her struggles. Her relationship with her dad has been especially rocky, but it's something she's been determined to repair. And yet, just days before a much anticipated weekend with him, she was involved in a runaway scheme that not only jeopardized her visit, but set her therapeutic progress back by months. What happened?

Sabotage, she admitted. "Why should I work to get close to my dad when he could easily turn around and leave me again?" she complained. And yet she believes, as we do, that repairing her relationship with her parents and siblings will bring her happiness and success. She just needs more time, help and guidance to make it happen. The supportive environment of a therapeutic boarding school is giving her that, and more.

Striking a Balance

Fri, 20 Aug 2010 07:00:00 -0400

Like other schools for troubled teens, the structure and operations here reflect a set of core values and beliefs. Two of these are that 1) education is necessary for a successful life, and 2) that a strong work ethic is essential for student growth. Can these two ever be in conflict? For one troubled teen girl, they seemed to be. Despite her spectacular emotional progress and growth over the past two years here, she still struggles academically and recently failed an exam that has jeopardized her scheduled graduation date.

Understandably upset, she was nevertheless able to look at how her student internship in the school's administrative offices (which she performs brilliantly) could have negatively impacted her academics. In this case, there is no doubting her strong work ethic, or the emotional maturity she has acquired on the job. But being so caught up in it, she procrastinated when it came to studying for her test, perhaps convincing herself that her good performance on the job would somehow carry over to her Regents exam. She learned the hard way that life doesn't work that way. Over-functioning in one area doesn't make up for under-functioning in another. She seems to have accepted this and is moving on, emboding yet another core belief: that life is about progress, not perfection.

Becoming Part of the Solution

Wed, 18 Aug 2010 07:00:00 -0400

A troubled teen boy has progressed light years from where he was when he first arrived. Not only has he worked through many of the issues that brought him to a therapeutic boarding school, but he is the first to help other struggling teens work through theirs. As a former alcohol and drug abuser, he is particularly grateful for the help he's gotten from A.A. and the 12 Steps. The program has opened his mind and his heart to a new way of living. But he still has work to do.

Recently he expressed impatience with what he described as the school's heavier focus on behavioral issues than on the 12 Steps. Is the school really the best place for him now? he wondered. The answer from his friends around the table was a unanimous yes. What's more, they reminded him, behavioral problems need to be addressed before a student can get any help from the 12-Step program. "What kind of help could you get at an A.A. meeting if no one respected the rules? Recover can't happen in the midst of chaos," they told him. When the discussion ended, he was seeing things differently. Helping a struggling friend here means more than sharing one's experience, strength and hope. It means confronting a friend's misbehavior---repeatedly, if necessary. It means actively working to create the orderly environment that actually makes it possible to help one another; an environment conducive to real growth and recovery.

First Things First

Fri, 13 Aug 2010 07:00:00 -0400

Learning to prioritize, to put first things first, is a life-long process for all of us, and can be especially difficult for troubled teens struggling with impulse control. Which is why learning to prioritize is an important part of the curriculum of a therapeutic boarding school. Recently a young student struggling with oppositional defiance disorder, but who has made headway since arriving, asked to assume more responsibility within his family unit. He was specifically interested in being able to "shadow," that is, to accompanying another student around campus who may be having a hard time. The young man made a good case for himself: his growing capacity to listen, help, and to share, and his understanding that helping others is also helping himself.

According to his peers, however, he needed to assume more responsibility for himself and his own actions before attempting to help another struggling student. He needed to do a better job completing homework assignments, respecting teachers, and paying attention in class. In other words, shadowing would require better behavior on his part, and being a good example to whomever he's trying to help. "First things first," they told him. Simple, but never easy.

Something To Think About

Wed, 11 Aug 2010 07:00:00 -0400

In a therapeutic boarding school where the principles of 12-Step living are an important component of the environment, eventually every student comes face to face with the idea of a spiritual life. One new student, a troubled teen boy who struggled with alcohol and drugs before arriving, mentioned at lunch that when the question of a higher power comes up, he draws a blank. He found out he has lots of company. Many at the table arrived in the same boat, and were able to reassure him that a higher power is indeed his and his alone to define---be it a supportive group of friends, music, nature, the next right thing, or simply the Truth.

The whole idea that a group of troubled teens can have a serious discussion about what is and isn't a higher power, speaks to the impact of a therapeutic environment on their lives. As a topic of conversation, it's hardly something they would have pursued with their friends at home. But here the question becomes uppermost in their minds as they begin understanding the connection between their self-destructive behavior and their spiritual life. In this environment, students are always just a conversation away from some small enlightenment that could change the way they see themselves and the world, bringing them one step closer to making positive changes in their lives.

Silver Linings

Fri, 06 Aug 2010 07:00:00 -0400

Alumni of therapeutic high schools often appreciate their high school experience more than public school graduates, for in many cases the experience saved their life. One recent alumnus---a formerly troubled teen girl who arrived with the usual assortment of issues (drug abuse, parental defiance and disrespect, truancy, even criminal activity)---was able to turn herself around after two years of hard emotional work at the school. In a recent visit with her, a staff member was thrilled to see her continuing to do so well, and to see her family continuing to bless the school for saving their daughter by their love, commitment, and guidance.

This sense of appreciation works both ways. Another staff member recalls this same former student fondly. "She was a blessing and a comfort when my son died," she notes. "She said it changed her perspective on life and drugs, showed her how quickly things can get out of control, and she never wanted her mother to go through what I went through. Losing my son was devastating, but knowing that it impacted and changed another young person for the better was a beautiful and unexpected silver lining."

Hard Lessons

Wed, 04 Aug 2010 07:00:00 -0400

An 18-year-old at a therapeutic boarding school has begun transforming himself from an angry, defiant, drug user to a young man with character, ambition, and a great deal of heart. He is beginning to help others, particularly those who remind him of an earlier version of himself. He sits and talks earnestly with a younger student---a troubled teen who's going through a particularly hard time. The older student tells him how he once did and felt and thought the same things, but his friend stubbornly refuses to listen.

Although frustrated, this 18-year old is learning---and in a very powerful way---just how little control he has over others. Shaking his head, he says of his friend, "He just doesn't get it. But then, I didn't either back then. I would have laughed at anyone who tried to tell me what I'm trying to tell him. I know exactly how he's thinking. I want to give him the moment of clarity that was given to me, but I guess it doesn't work that way." For a young man about to go out into the world, that's a good thing to remember.